[Trash-talk] NGR:Fwd: Top 10's....(Part 1)

[David Conner]

>Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your AOL Password
>
>10. You begin receiving email from a guy named "Fluffy."
>
>9. There are traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
>
>8. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.
>
>7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/.
>
>6. There are kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
>
>5. You find hate-mail messages to Apple Computer about their release of 
>"CyberDog" in your outbox.
>
>4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
>
>3. You keep finding new software around your house like Mouse Hunter and 
>WarCat II.
>
>2. You have a new screen name called IronMouser.
>
>1. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like 
>alt.recreational.catnip.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Top 10 Things People Think the 98 in Windows 98 Really Stands For
>
>10. The number of floppy disks it ships on.
>
>9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
>
>8. The gigabytes of hard disk space required to store it.
>
>7.The number of pages in the "Quick Install" version of the manual.
>
>6. The number of hours it takes to install.
>
>5. The number of people in millions who will buy Windows 98 without knowing 
>why.
>
>4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
>
>3. The number of minutes you will be on hold before tech support picks up 
>the phone.
>
>2. The percentage of existing software that won't run any better on the new 
>operating system.
>
>1.The net worth in billions of dollars for Bill Gates by the time the next 
>version of Windows ships.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>The Top 10 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support
>
>10. So, what are you wearing?
>
>9. Bummer! Duuuuuuuude!
>
>8. Looks like you're going to need some new dilythium crystals, Capt'n.
>
>7. Press 1 for support. Press 2 if you want it today. Press 3 to buy the 
>company.
>
>6. We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of Duct 
>Tape, and a car battery.
>
>5. I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
>
>4. In layman's terms, it's kaput!
>
>3. Hold on a second....MOM! Timmy's hitting me!
>
>2. Okay, turn to page 463 in your copy of Dianetics.
>
>1. Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Top 10 Trivia Facts You Need to Know
>
>10. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred 
>and Wilma Flintstone.
>
>9. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
>
>8. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% The percentage of North 
>America that is wilderness: 38%
>
>7. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
>
>6. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
>
>5. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from 
>history: Spades - King David; Hearts - Charlemagne; Clubs -Alexander, the 
>Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar
>
>4. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
>
>3. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them 
>looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
>
>2. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. 
>When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer 
>to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
>
>1. No NFL team that plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a 
>Super bowl.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Top 10 Bad Excuses for Speeding
>
>10. My brakes weren't working, officer, but hey what do ya know...they're 
>working just fine now.
>
>9. Do you mind, officer, I'm missing Wheel-of-Fortune.
>
>8. If you'd be willing to look the other way this one time, officer, I'd 
>make it worth your while... say, a rent one get one free coupon for 
>Skippy's Video Galore?
>
>7. I was just making sure that your radar gun was working properly. 140 
>KPH, you say? Yep, it's in perfect condition.
>
>6. I'm sorry, officer, but I'm rushing my wife to the hospital. Where's my 
>wife? I knew I forgot something!
>
>5. It's urgent that I get home to answer the telephone.
>
>4. The devil made me do it.
>
>3. I'm employed by O.J. Simpson and I'm in hot pursuit of the real killer.
>
>2. Don't talk to me, officer, talk to K.I.T.
>
>1. I just took a laxative. Now either let me go or watch me go, your 
>choice.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Top 10 Ways You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee (Para :P)
>
>10. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
>
>9. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
>
>8. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
>
>7. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
>
>6. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.
>
>5. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not 
>plugged in.
>
>4. Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
>
>3. You channel surf faster without a remote.
>
>2. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
>
>1. You're so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Top 10 Internet TV Shows
>
>10. Modem, She Wrote - Each week our intrepid detective tries to solve the 
>ultimate mystery of why her modem won't ever connect at 56k.
>
>9. Micro-CHiPs - Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway.
>
>8. Carly's Angels - Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs her team of three 
>vixen market analysts on how to prop up HP's sagging stock price.
>
>7. Hawaii 6.0 - An upgraded version of the classic series, Steve McGarrett 
>goes surfing for bad guys online.
>
>6. T. J. Hacker - A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. 
>Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled 
>his TV show.
>
>5. The Excel Files - Inexplicable things are happening to the data in 
>Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out 
>there.
>
>4. The AOL-Team - Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and Mr. T unite to 
>battle the powerful Microsoft empire and make the world safe for 
>capitalism.
>
>3. Magnum, PC - This series about a crime-solving personal computer that 
>goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii. Season finale 
>cliff-hanger: Will Deep Blue be seduced by the wily charms of the penguin 
>known as Linux?
>
>2. The Incredible Bulk - The exciting adventures of Windows which just 
>keeps growing and growing.
>
>1. Buffy the Virus Slayer - Buffy and her fearless gang of antivirus 
>definitions stalk and kill VBS files - no small feat while wearing a halter 
>top and high-heeled boots.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Top Ten Questions To Ponder When You Have Nothing Better To Do
>
>10. What is the speed of dark?
>
>9. When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
>
>8. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
>
>7. How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
>
>6. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of 
>the water?
>
>5. What's another word for synonym?
>
>4. Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a 
>shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
>
>3. Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
>
>2. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
>
>1. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Top 10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should
>
>10. Aquadextrous: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and 
>off with your toes.
>
>9. Carperpetuation: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a 
>piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, 
>examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
>
>8. Disconfect: To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by 
>blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
>
>7. Elbonics: The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a 
>movie theater.
>
>6. Frust: The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust 
>pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to 
>give up and sweep it under the rug.
>
>5. Lactomangulation: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container 
>so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
>
>4. Peppier: The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be 
>walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
>
>3. Phonesia: The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom 
>you were calling just as they answer.
>
>2. Pupkus: The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose 
>to it.
>
>1. Telecrastination: The act of always letting the phone ring at least 
>twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

_________________________________________________________________
Help STOP SPAM with the new MSN 8 and get 2 months FREE*  
http://join.msn.com/?page=features/junkmail